Dear sister,
Yes, I managed to get leaves and
I just booked my tickets! I can make it for your wedding and I am as excited as
you are! Dear little girl, I see that you are so much in love and can’t wait
any longer to start your life with your love! As you disconnect the call to
rush back to check on the preparations, I find myself engrossed in the memories
of my wedding day.
It has been three years since that
day. As I look back, I can’t help but laugh at myself for getting married at
that young age. I was just 23, believed that I had found the one born for me,
and wanted to escape from the boredom of a routine life. My fiancé offered me a
life full of fun, lot of travelling and surprises. I found his philosophies and
ideas profound and interesting. As the day drew closer, I found myself unsure
about the whole affair but I chose to trust him above everyone. With excitement
and joy, I handed over the reins of my life to a person who barely knew the
real me.
We had a simple wedding with
minimum splendor. We did not have a pre or post wedding photo shoot because
‘all that didn’t matter’. We did not go ‘honeymooning’ because it was too
mainstream. In less than a week, we travelled to Mysore, where both of us
worked. When we got the wedding pictures and albums, I wouldn’t take a second
look at it because I hated my wedding gown and my cheap-looking sarees! Soon, I
got (shamefully) obsessed with watching wedding videos and pics of others only
to make myself feel more pathetic. Others had custom made gowns, sparkling
diamonds, exquisite photo-shoots, and honeymoons in exotic places! Well, not
everyone went by ‘simple weddings’! I knew it was wrong to compare my life with
others’, but gradually, my unhappiness took over my rationale.
It seemed that everyone else were
enjoying their lives. My single friends were making their solo trips to other
countries, pursuing higher studies in foreign countries or quitting their
boring jobs to find their dream jobs. And here I was, struggling in the kitchen
with ingredients and recipes, spending weekends with more cooking and cleaning,
taking morning walks all alone, or reading books to escape into the lives of
other people. I wanted to do something for myself, and started taking dance
lessons. To my horror, I found myself deeply obliged to him for letting me do
it!
I never had any of those
‘promised’ surprise trips, adventures or fun. We rarely went out because we had
to ‘save for future’. We spent weekends at home because weekends ‘were made to
give you time to relax’. I never told him how unhappy and disappointed I was,
because I was not trained to speak out. My only refuge was my diary, to which I
poured out my heart and kept it locked in my office cupboard lest he read it!
Slowly, it dawned on me that I was taking it all wrong.
My happiness and well-being was
my responsibility. My first mistake was to entrust my life to someone else,
hoping that he would bring sunshine to it. Dear sister, as much as your
parents/partner/kids love you, your happiness should not depend on them. You
must know how to take care of yourself, you should find time for yourself and you
must know how to keep yourself happy. On better retrospection, I realized that
when I remained gloomy and irritated, I was ruining my husband’s happiness too!
You can give something only if you have it. Likewise, you can radiate
happiness, only if you are happy. This is why only happy mothers can raise
happy families.
My second mistake was that I kept
everything to myself. I did not discuss my unhappiness with my husband. Like
how ‘Percy wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him
wearing Dobby's tea cozy’, men don’t understand subtle signs. You should be
able to speak out for yourself. This doesn’t imply that you should present
unrealistic demands! I know you are a sensible girl.
Invest in your friendships. Most
women cut themselves off from their family and friends after they get married.
After the initial euphoria of married bliss wears off, you will miss your
girls! Keep in touch with them; marriage shouldn’t change such equations. We
always need a support system and there are some things like ‘girly talks’ and
‘girls’ night outs’ that make you feel like a little girl all over again.
Most of all, do not quit your
job. In today’s world, women earn as much or more than men, and the age-old
idea of ‘man being the provider’ has changed. You must earn to keep your
dignity, to be able to buy gifts for your parents, yourself and fulfill your
small dreams. Also, working mothers raise kids who are more responsible and
successful.
Take care of each other’s souls. I
hope you both pray together, surprise each other, and celebrate each other’s
success! Marriage is like a small plant that requires constant nurturing and
pruning. You cannot ignore it and expect it to give you flowers. I hope you
remember your wedding day with a smile and a look back at your life with a sense
of fulfilment.
I hope you don’t make my
mistakes.
Can’t wait to meet you!
Best,
Your sister.
